5 years ago today!

Five years ago today, in seriously deep agony, I signed adoption papers and handed my sweet baby boy to his parents.  I remember thinking at the time how impossible it was and even then I wasn’t sure how I actually did it.  During my pregnancy I felt so sure that I would be able to place him for adoption, that I didn’t even prepare for the possibility that it would kill me to actually do it.  Once I had him, the love was so strong and so immediate that I started back pedaling thinking of any possible way I could still keep him.  I told my case worker I couldn’t go through with the adoption.  She had to call his potential parents and tell them.  It was a very difficult, but sweet two days in the hospital as I both treasured my seconds with Clark and dreaded having to let him go.  The signing part was unbearable—I would say almost unbearable, but it really was unbearable.  I am certain angels were with me bearing me up and strengthening me, giving me the courage to do the hardest thing I had ever done.  Handing him over to Ben and Heather I remember that I couldn’t even look at them, and as I left the hospital room I collapsed because I was just that sad.

I write all of that only as a contrast to what I feel now—I never thought I would feel joy again, but the blessings that followed were as great—greater even—than  my sorrow at that time.  If someone had told me at that time that I would one day feel happy again, that I would one night be able to fall asleep without crying, that my heart would one day heal and feel happiness again, I would not have believed them.  But Heavenly Father compensated my loss with joy, peace, opportunities, a new and beautiful marriage, and more babies.  He also helped me understand that Clark was never really mine.  I now feel guilty when I realize I haven’t thought about Clark as much as I feel like I should.  I love him and will always love him.  I also have been able to move on and live a full life without the constant ache of loss, and I am so grateful for that! 

Happy birthday (two days ago) to sweet little Clark who is now FIVE years old and such a cute little guy!  I hope he will one day understand how much I love him and why I did what I did!